RIP Mayor Quimby

I realize this is a bit late, but I'd just like to mention the recent passing of an American political giant and bid a farewell to a public figure whose life was marked by both triumph, tragedy, and personal scandal. I speak of the death of 20-term mayor "Diamond" Joe Quimby. As one of the dominant and enduring politicians of his era, Quimby was no stranger to criticism. Elected mayor in 1986, Quimby ran for re-election and won every time, despite a long record of well-documented graft, embezzlement, and 27 separate paternity suits. Quimby was briefly deposed by a former felon and children's television host in a fraudulent election in 1994, and survived a re-call election in 2005. Always vexing to his critics, and transcendent to his supporters, Quimby managed to maintain his hold on public office despite innumerate infidelities, well-publicized gaffes, and scandals--including his nephew's alleged beating of a waiter, his demand to have a hijacked airliner take him anywhere "girls are going wild", and a disastrous monorail project. An icon of liberalism and bogeyman to the right, his name became a shorthand or inkblot test along the political spectrum. Lambasted by right-wing critics, like talk show host Birch Barlow as an "illiterate tax-cheating, wife-swapping, pot-smoking, spend-o-crat," Quimby, nonetheless, seemed almost completely immune to criticism, and maintained that he did, eventually, learn to read.

Throughout a long career with many ups and downs, perhaps Quimby felt most at home at the "Quimby Family Compound", where he would spend the days with family and various beauty pageant contestants and cocktail waitresses. He was laid to rest at the family plot next to his brothers, at a funeral that was attended by both the political and Hollywood elite, including movie-star and governor Rainier Wolfcastle, who married Quimby's niece. I leave you with a fitting tribute to a life dedicated to politics, a simple campaign song that reminds us of his accomplishments. Were it not for Quimby we would not have our tire yard, our mid-sized rollar rink, our gallows, and our shiny Bigfoot trap, but most importantly, it was not his fault that the stadium collapsed.