The Best Daytime TV Products

Do you have swine flu? Are you pregnant, unemployed, "self-employed", on drugs, frightened of the outside world, mentally ill, an invalid, or just ticking off those precious few hours until your kids and/or spouse return home? If you are one or all of those things chances are you're Sarah Palin...but seriously folks, and you are among the lucky few who are able to take in some of the wonderful and life-altering products pitched on daytime television? Amidst the ever-present opportunities to change your life for the better through the lotto or e-Harmony, there is that unique brand of Buy-Now-Limited Time Offer-Gadgets and Gizmos only available only to those fortunate enough to hear their siren call. The genius of these ads is the way they craft a feeling of inevitability, that you will buy this, that your life cannot possibly continue without a motorized shoe-horn, that if you don't take advantage of an opportunity to get two customized brownie molds--a $40 value!--then you might as well just give up on life, which if you're watching daytime TV, chances are, you already have. Here are a few of my favorites...

Turbo Snake

Who is it for? Anyone with what would appear to be a dead cat's worth of hair stuck somewhere in their plumbing, and doesn't want to use "chemicals" or invite "strangers" into their home to fish it out.

What's it Do? Simply stick this wire down a drain, twist and it's patented pube-grabbing bristles will drag the offending human detritus out from wherever it's clogging. It actually looks fairly handy, except for having the confront the dead squirrel in your shower drain.

Alternate Uses? Home DIY surgery...fishing car/house keys out of a sewer...cleaning a really large glass bong...

What's it come with? Every TV product must have something extra to throw into the pot to sweeten the deal--as if you needed any extra prodding to buy a Drain Snake?--and this one is no exception...Act now and receive, get this, a stick-on hook to hang the drain snake on, because what are you going to do? Leave it in a drawer like some fucking moron, during those few occasions in which your sink and bathroom isn't filled with your disgusting hair?

Micro Touch Hair Trimmer

Who's it For? Yet another product that while not explicitly spelling it out, is intended to deal with the problems caused by excess pubic hair. Advertised as a way "to keep the man in your life perfectly groomed," so basically this is for Robin Williams' neck.

What's it Do? Micro Touch is perfect for a woman whose "man" has hair growing out of his ears, nose, back, or any other unsightly place. Like I said, they don't mention the problem of pubic hair, but the commercial does make sure to highlight its uses on those "sensitive places" like...the stomach. Micro Touch is the all purpose man-scaping accessory .

Alternate Uses? Vibrator?...Guinea Pig Styling...Milk frother?

What's it Come With? Pretty shabby on their part, no bonus carrying case or laser pointer attachment for precision body hair sculpting, just a bunch of different extensions and a user's guide. Lame.

The Snuggie Designer Series

Who is it For? "Ironic" people or "Retarded" people.

What's it Do? Did you like the original Snuggie? ("The Blanket with Sleeves!") But are you a bit more fashion conscious? Would you like to look a bit more chic in your wearable quilt? Then stay "perfectly in style" with ultra-classy leopard or zebra print! While they may have started out serious, I think at this point the Snuggie people are just going for broke on cornering the market on gag gifts by coming up with something so stupid and hideous it's practically daring you to buy it.

Alternate Uses? They actually say, when not being worn, it makes a wonderful "throw" for any couch or chair, but I think they should just be used as body-size bibs for eating ribs or lobster in bed, at the game, on the couch, anywhere!

What's it Come With? An attachable reading light, something I'm pretty sure will get zero use, and...ANoTHER SNUGGIE!!

(cartoon by Johnny Ryan...)